Left To Carry On
by voldemortsgirl
Summary: Nerdanel struggles to accept what has happened after feanor leads the revolting Noldor out of Valinor.


A single teardrop fell, and an array of ripples disturbed the calm surface, warping Nerdanel's reflection as she stared into the pool. There were lights, but the darkness that entombed her mind and soul blockaded any bit of light that could offer her comfort. Frightened and confused thoughts swirled through her mind, stabbing at her conscience. One single act, one swift stroke of absolute evil and the slate that had been her life was wiped utterly blank. She closed her eyes against the bitter wind that kindled in the air. Everything felt surreal and misleading. Her knees gave way and she sank to the ground. Nothing mattered to her, and she did not know or care why she lay huddled there on the ground, completely alone. Completely devoid of anything that had once beared such importance on her mind, everything that had given her life meaning. Her husband and her sons, eight people that shared her life and her dreams, snatched away by the hand of wicked ambition. Silent, heaving sobs shook her body. She heard a rustle of wind and instinctively looked around her; half expecting to see a tall noble-but-proud faced elf beside her, or seven young elves, quarrelling youthfully amongst themselves. But there was no one there; nothing but the cold-seeming landscape and the bitter wind that whipped through her hair. She was alone.  
  
"Why?" Nerdanel cried out. "Why Feanor? Why did you leave us, leave me?"  
  
Emotion began to overwhelm her. Tears streamed down her face in a steady flow. The acid-bitten words of his oath stabbed at her heart, the evil of his circumstance sinking her mind in an unbreakable wave of regret. Only too vividly she recalled how her sons had stood at their father's side, swearing the same horrible oath. She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them again, it would all be just a dream.  
  
But it is a dream. She told herself. Her mind knew that it was a dream; a nightmare, as real as could possibly exist. She heard some one calling her name, but she couldn't respond. A hand gripped her shoulder, gently but firmly, pulling her to her feet. She found herself face to face with her father. There was no jovial light in his eyes, and there was no sparkling smile; his face was plagued heavily with weariness and sorrow.  
  
"Nerdanel." he said softly.  
  
"Why? How? How could this happen? How could he leave me?"  
  
"His heart was sick by the loss of his father and the deprivation of that which he prized most. He spoke too quickly in the anguish of his hurt."  
  
Nerdanel drew herself away from him. She couldn't say anything else, as if it would make everything seem to real, and she didn't feel she was ready to accept what had happened. She just wanted it to go away, to be innocent of the knowledge of the pure evil that had shattered her life. Walking along the deserted path, she found herself feeling the insurmountable pain as she helplessly remembered everything that she wished had never happened. Everything burned down to her soul, like a candle left to burn until it was utterly spent of it's wax. Feanor's face emblazoned itself indelibley on her soul, the most poignant memories of their years spent together replayed themselves in her mind, until she could walk no further. After a moment, she looked around, and realized with a breathtaking start that she stood only a stone's throw away from where Feanor had sworn his oath.  
  
Please let it not be true! She cried soundlessly. But she knew it was. She knew that nothing she could ever do or say would lift the immense pain that burned so achingly in her spirit. Nerdanel tried fruitlessly to tell herself he wasn't really gone. Feanor, please come back to me! She shouted once again into the silence. She shouted inaudibley into the empy abysses of the darkness, and an equally blank and cruel silence was all she received in reply, feeling the anguish of her question reverberate noiselessly around her. Nerdanel knew she was alone. She was once again overpowered with wracking sobs. She knew that she would have to carry on, but she didn't know how. She didn't know how to gather whatever was left of the shattered remnants of her life. She couldn't imagine how she could possibly mend the fragments that remained, or how one day the layers of disbelief and denial could ever fade. She knew that no matter what, she would never, could never, see her husband or her children again. Nerdanel's mind flashed to the faces of her youngest children. They would never understand. They never had a chance to see what they could have achieved, what they could have become in Valinor. So many hopes and dreams, all lying shattered in the ruins of evil.  
  
Her father's arms closed around her, pulling her to him. Whatever resistence she had to the pain dissolved, and she completely broke down into tears. Her father gently stroked her hair, allowing his daughter to cry on his shoulder. Finally Nerdanel broke away. A feeling almost like relief swept through her. Looking into her father's tear glazed eyes, she found herself strengthened. She knew they would make it. She knew that the pain would someday fade. She knew it would not be that day, or the day after, but she knew that someday she would find certain understanding. Understanding that would someday heal the damage, even though the scars would always remain. The fire would dwindle, and maybe someday even flicker and die. Nerdanel took her father's hand, and through the dull, biting pain, she found a muted acceptance as she lay to rest the ashes a ravaged love, and a shattered life. 


End file.
